...because you know what will happen tomorrow. SUNDAY TALK SHOWS! And that's all we'll see on the D/Kos. Who said what. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Blah, blah, blah. Have fun while you can.
CARTOONS
...by Gary Huck and Mike Konopacki. I'm not imbedding the images for quicker access by folks who only have dial-up. Check out the Huck/Konopacki website for more fun stuff.
ANIMATION: LYING SACK O' BUSH
Choose a lie and hear him tell it here.
(Flip over, I'm not done with you yet.)
And making the e-mail rounds...
WARNING: IGNORANUS IN THE BOZONE
No, this isn't about George Bush (though parts of it certainly could be). Here are some winners of The Washington Post's Style Invitational where readers take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:
- Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
- Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
- Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
- Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
- Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
- Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
- Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
- Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
- Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
- Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
- Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
- Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
- Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
- Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
- Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
COURT RECORDS FROM ST. LOUIS
Some are posted at FlushTwice.com. Where the rest came from, I have no idea.
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
From a defendant representing himself . . .
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I allegedly stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the `Colonel' stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the `Honorable' in front of your name - not a thing.
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a S.O.B., what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a S.O.B.?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a S.O.B.
FUNNY OR...?
This one I'm very squeamish about, but I think it might generate some discussion here. I got this from a very good lefty friend, and it surprised me because (1) I never thought he'd send around a joke like this and (2) I laughed out loud in spite of myself.
An Asian woman in a bank was exchanging her money and asked the teller,
"Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen. Today I only get a hunat eighty?"
The teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Asian woman says, "Fluc you white guys too!"
So, funny or racist? Can it be both? Is it being too PC if you get that icky, not-so-fresh feeling about it? Is it insensitive not to? Do people of pallor have the right to judge? Or should that be left to people of the Asian persuasion? I don't think we really discuss this kind of thing very much; maybe it's uncomfortable. Take some Pepto and give a shot.